MIGRAINES

For as long as I can remember I have had migraines.  I wish they were just the sensitive to light and smell kind of migraines; you pop an Excedrin and get on with your life. No, I get the completely debilitating ones. They come with a fever, nausea, and little shadows out of the corners of my eyes.

That is usually the first clue; I see shadows in the peripheral of my vision.  The dark auras eclipse everything out of the corners of my eyes.  I know the second I see these floating entities that I need to get into a dark room with a Hydrocodoine and a cup of chamomile tea.  The doctor calls them cluster migraines, but I really have no clue what he means by that. All I know is the pain gets worse every time around.

They come about once a month.  Then, this last month things began to change. They become more frequent, increasing in intensity.  It started about two weeks ago. The headache was due to come on. The black wisps were floating around harmlessly in my peripheral, and I knew it was time to get home. 

My boss was a pretty understanding woman, and being a decent level public accountant, most of my work could be done at home.  With the letter of medical problems from my doctor, my boss usually let me go home at the first sign of a Migraine. 

As soon as I walked into my door I immediately closed all of the curtains, turned off all the lights and used only a battery operated candle for necessary lighting.  I grabbed the Vicodine from the medicine cabinet and lay on the couch with the tea. The only thing to do was sleep it out.

Even in the extreme absence of light I could see the aura’s moving around violently. With a sudden intensity, the strangest thing of all happened. A loud blaring began in my ears. It was like a tinnitus ringing, but louder than anything I had ever before heard. I felt the scream rip from my chest, but couldn’t hear it over the deafening ringing.  

I rolled onto my side, and wrapped my pillow I kept on the couch for these days, around my head. I prayed the Vicodine would kick in at any moment and knock me out.  

The blessed darkness came, and I slept a heavy sleep. I dreamed of blood, and screams. Both of which things could be explained by the amount of pain I was in just a while before.

Awaking sometime later, the headache was hanging on by only a thread, and the ringing in my ears had dulled down considerably, but was now replaced by a whooshing sound, like you hear inside of a conch shell. 

I went back to bed several hours later, and the next morning, the last of the residual headache was gone. Work was as usual, I used some of the time after work that day to catch up on everything that needed done the previous day, having done a bit of it between the nap and actually sleeping.

As I looked around the area where I worked, I could hear the whispers of those who usually say hi to me first thing in the mornings. Ms. Barstow called me into her office shortly after work that day to talk to me, Where she scared the hell out of me. Apparently, the nap I took after the headache was longer than a nap. I was out for two days. I couldn’t wrap my head around what she was telling me. 

“Look, you are one of the best workers I have. Your co-workers look up to you and the account holders you are responsible for say nothing but the best about you. So, I will let this accident go one time.  However, this cannot happen again. Understood?” Ms. Barstow used a kind but stern voice.

I just nodded my head in shock of the time that I had lost. Had I mixed up the Vicodine and the Ambien I have in the cabinet? They look nothing alike, and are completely different sizes, but maybe I was more dazed than normal? 

The whole situation made less and less sense as it went on.  The rest of the week was hectic, catching up on the extra day of work I didn’t even realize I had lost. Sunday I was off, as well as the following Monday. I was just sitting down to watch the game (I love football) and the aura’s came back.  

They were darker than usual; swirling more violently than ever before, It was almost like they were waving at me. The ringing started almost immediately after I noticed the aura’s I didn’t even make it to the bathroom to grab the painkiller; I just collapsed onto the floor grabbing my head.  The pain was searing from my ear drums racing across the brain, setting fire to every neuron it crossed. It was as if boiling water was funneled into my skull.

I stood up to head to the bathroom.  The next thing I knew was darkness engulfing me as I writhed to the floor. For the first time in my life I fainted from pain.

There were no dreams, just knowing that even in my sleep wild fire roared across my gray matter.
Awaking however long later, I doubt I will ever know, the headache was gone, but both the auras and the tinnitus were still there.  

The shadows seemed to wave to me. The ringing started to sound like speech, very high pitched speech. I was losing my ever-loving mind. I called into work, and told my boss that I was leaving for an emergency, and that I could not make it in for a few days. I was so confused. Why were the auras still there?

They came more on more frequently, almost every other day. I began alternating between Vicodine and Ambien to sleep, and not feel pain. But I am almost out now. Neither prescription was meant for everyday use.  

The auras are closer now I can see the faces. They smile at me and ask me for help. They want out, but when I tell them that I don’t know how to release them they scream, so loud, for hours and hours. They never stop screaming, the high pitch ringing in my ears that was only a taste of their volatile voices. 

I don’t know how much more of the screaming I can take.  I reach the end of my chain within an hour of the screaming this time around. In the dining room is my mountain bike. The spokes will be perfect.  I take the last Vicodine, and Ambien. Heading into the kitchen I begin boiling the water. Once it has begun to roll I stick one of the spokes in, letting it stay to clean off the germs and bacteria.

With careful precision I slowly poke the spoke into the ear canal, stopping when I come up to the thin membrane. The screaming is louder now than ever before. With a single quick thrust I pop through the ear drum, quickly repeating it on the other ear. Silence engulfs me. For the first time in weeks the screams are gone.

I look at the heavy spoon sitting on the counter next to the spoke and boiling water. Soon I won’t see the auras any more either.